


i am my mother's child (i'll love you 'til my breathing stops)

by lgbtqshipper



Series: Stargirl Ficlets [6]
Category: Stargirl (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, Episode: s01e10 Brainwave Jr., F/F, Grief/Mourning, Not Canon Compliant, Unhappy Ending, what's the opposite of a fix-it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25621249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtqshipper/pseuds/lgbtqshipper
Summary: "I'll be with you the whole time," she reassures her, clenching the nails of her free hand into her palm to give herself a different kind of hurt to focus on. "You're not going to be alone."Starshiv + "Why are you helping me?" & "It was you the whole time."
Relationships: Cindy Burman/Courtney Whitmore
Series: Stargirl Ficlets [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1834453
Comments: 21
Kudos: 56





	1. i'm just the sucker who let you fill her mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Starsinthenightskies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starsinthenightskies/gifts).



> [here](https://cindyburman.tumblr.com/post/623834364986392576/50-dialogue-prompts) is the list of dialogue prompts this is from!! this one is #26 and #5 for starshiv, and i've also done #50 for starcat, #13 and #32 for starsquad, #48 for stashiv, #9 for hournite and starcat, and #46 for starshiv. requests are closed for now as i catch up on all of the prompts that have been submitted to me!!
> 
> just a warning, this fic was pretty much just me looking at 1x10 and being like "so how could i make this different while still making it horrible?" also, i combined two prompts for this one and so i was like "okay then i'll make it twice as long as a normal ficlet" but then i accidentally made it like three-four times as long... whoops.
> 
> the fic title is from "writer in the dark" by lorde and the chapter title is from "the louvre" by lorde bc lorde simply sets the mood for this fic.

As soon as Courtney dares to step slightly further into the room where Brainwave is being held, she hears a voice that's been haunting her dreams (some of them scary, some of them... not so much) and immediately swings her head around to face its owner.

"Courtney?" Cindy is so quiet and hoarse it seems like she's been screaming for hours and, though Courtney can only see part of her face through the small window in the sturdy wooden door separating them, she looks equal parts furious and exhausted.

"How does she know who you are?" Henry asks from behind her, sounding more put upon and jealous than he should be considering that he's still not a full-fledged member of the JSA and only learned that Courtney was Stargirl by reading her thoughts. _She figured it out herself,_ Courtney thinks, unable to keep herself from smiling a little at the surprised but satisfied little "oh" that he lets out before she focuses back on the moment at hand.

"Cindy? Why haven't you given us up to them yet?" Courtney hisses quietly, confused by what seems to be Cindy suddenly switching sides. "And why are you locked up? I thought you were a part of the ISA!"

"Not according to my dad," Cindy responds, casting a baleful glance across the room at the hooded figure who seems to be leading the others. "You _need_ to get me out of here."

"No way," Yolanda says immediately, but Courtney holds her hand up as a silent 'wait.' Yolanda scoffs angrily at that, muttering something that sounds like, "of _course_ you defend her too," and Courtney winces, wondering if she's ever going to stop screwing up and hurting Yolanda but _knowing_ not to write Cindy off so quickly.

"How do we know that you won't just turn against us as soon as we let you out?" Courtney asks her, trying to keep a level head.

"Because I only want to kill my dad," Cindy says matter-of-factly, like she's talking about her favorite ice cream flavor instead of patricide, even as her eyes fill with pure, unbridled rage. "He locked me up in here, gassed me, and won't even let me join the Injustice Society even though I did everything he wanted! He treats me like I'm just another failed experiment instead of his _daughter,_ all because I killed Mom!"

 _"You killed your mom?"_ Yolanda repeats in a hushed voice, horrified by Cindy's sudden confession. _My sentiment exactly,_ Courtney thinks as she gapes at her.

"It was an accident!" Cindy snaps, regret clear on her face, and Courtney feels a pang of sympathy as she remembers what her friends had told her about Cindy's sudden change in attitude after her mother's death. "I was only in third grade!"

She turns to Henry, looking desperate. "Here, read my mind! Tell them that I'm not lying!"

"She's telling the truth, she really _does_ just want to kill her dad and not us," Henry admits reluctantly after listening to her thoughts for a few seconds.

"How do we know that _they_ aren't just collaborating as some sort of bigger plot for the ISA?" Yolanda asks suspiciously, and Courtney has to admit that she has a point.

"I mean, maybe, but then why would they have locked Cindy up?" Courtney reasons. "It doesn't seem to serve any purpose unless we let her out, and I don't think they'd want to put that up to chance since none of the others trust her at all."

"Aww, thanks," Cindy grumbles sarcastically, but for once, they ignore her.

"We're already outnumbered here," Courtney points out, looking at Yolanda pleadingly. "I'd rather have her with us than against us in case her father decides to let her out on the condition that she helps him."

"Fine, but I am _not_ turning my back around her." Yolanda gives in after a long, tense moment. "Around _either_ of them." She brushes past Courtney to stand in front of the door. Courtney nods at her gratefully and holds up three fingers, silently counting down. 3... 2... 1.

With that, Yolanda's claws cleave through the lock like butter and she immediately jumps to the side as Cindy slams the door open like it's nothing. All eyes in the room turn to them.

"I told you I'd kill you, Daddy," Cindy hisses, unsheathing her wrist blades, and a chill goes through Courtney at how _genuine_ she sounds. "I meant it."

Cindy's father, however, has no visible reaction other than slowly raising his hand to point at them... which causes more brown-robed goons to come pouring in. _Shit._

Sparing the Cosmic Staff one last longing glance, Courtney grabs a spear mounted on one of the pillars and slowly backs further into the chamber along with Yolanda and Henry as they ready themselves for the fight. Cindy seems to have no such qualms about waiting for her opponents to reach her, stalking directly toward her dad and slashing anyone in her way.

The others all jump into action soon after. Courtney shoves a drone back with the body of her spear and slices another across the neck, feeling a sudden rush of concern-- _is that a real person? Did I just_ kill _someone?_ \--that she's forced to push down as more henchmen approach.

Courtney ventures further into the horde, immediately regretting that decision when her arms are grabbed from behind and she's lifted off of the ground. She struggles futilely against their grip to little effect until all of the sudden her captor's arms go slack and something (or someone) thumps to the ground behind her. Courtney turns around to see Cindy, shivs bloody, breathing heavily and standing over the body of the goon who had been restraining her, and her heart rate spikes for reasons she's not entirely proud of.

"Why are you helping me?" Courtney asks her as she swings her spear in a wide circle around them, buying the two a couple seconds to talk. The way that Cindy had been going--that is, directly to the dragon guy--wasn't anywhere near where Courtney was, so Cindy (the girl who had attempted to kill Courtney twice already) would have had to have taken a detour _specifically_ to help her, even though it was clearly delaying her long-awaited revenge. 

"Hell if I know, new girl," Cindy snaps distractedly, seemingly confused by her own actions as well, as she skewers two underlings on her blades simultaneously. "But if you'll excuse me, I have a father to kill." With that, she begins carving a path through the sea of henchmen once more.

Courtney shrugs it off and returns to fighting the cronies, but it's not long before they all seem to disappear and she is faced with none other than their leader.

"No!" On the edge of her peripheral, Courtney can see an anguished-looking Cindy surrounded by a particularly large group of henchmen. "Let _me_ kill him!"

Courtney rolls her eyes even as she shifts nervously from foot to foot, unsure of her _own_ ability to take down Cindy's father. Swallowing down her fear, she puts on a brave face and gets into position.

"Snap... dragon," Courtney guesses with a wince. _I know his name has_ something _to do with dragons_. Her opponent seems unamused at best and outraged at the misnomer at worst.

"Dragon King," he snarls, drawing his swords and slicing out at her. Courtney parries that strike but is forced backwards by the intensity of his attacks, realizing almost immediately that she's outmatched. Dragon King is far more aggressive than even Cindy had been, and he manages to knock her down and disarm her embarrassingly quickly. 

So Courtney lies on the cold stone floor, utterly defenseless as Dragon King's blades bear down on her, and she thinks, _This is it. This is the end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooh cliffhanger 🤭 yeah ik ik i just enjoy suffering apparently. the next chapter will be up in a couple of days at most, dw! please leave a comment if you enjoy this so far, if you hate me for ending this chap on a cliffhanger, or if you're just really terrified of the looming major character death warning!!!
> 
> here's my [tumblr](https://cindyburman.tumblr.com) if you'd like to check it out for more of me freaking out over this show!!
> 
> and as always, here's the link to the [blm carrd](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/)!!! please do what you can, even if it's just signing petitions!!!


	2. tired little laughs, gold-lie promises: (we'll always win at this)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is from "glory and gore" by lorde.

However, by some stroke of luck (or perhaps fate), Courtney glances to the side and sees Yolanda throwing the Cosmic Staff to her in what feels like slow-motion.

Relief washes over her as she catches the staff at the last moment and it flares to life in her grasp, deflecting the hit and sending Dragon King reeling back at the sudden flash of light. Courtney jumps to her feet and shoves him back further with the staff, accidentally dislodging his hood in the process. Her exhilaration at this sudden turn of events and the excited look she's sharing with Yolanda last for all of two seconds until Dragon King turns around, revealing his face.

Courtney--whose train of thought just went something like _Ohmygodhehasalizardface_ \--and Yolanda scream in horror and the Cosmic Staff instinctively blasts him, knocking him back near the entrance where he now lies unmoving on the floor. However, if he's anything like Cindy, this knockout will only be temporary, so Courtney hurries to help Cindy get rid of the remaining henchmen surrounding her before Dragon King wakes up. Yolanda joins her hesitantly, and together the three dispatch the rest of the lackeys quickly.

"I'm going after him," Cindy says shortly, and Courtney turns to see that Dragon King has (unsurprisingly) disappeared, likely into the closest branch of the tunnels. Courtney and Yolanda nod at her in understanding as she races off in pursuit of her father and they head in the opposite direction, arriving at the entrance of the tunnel they'd come from at the same time as Henry.

"It's too late." He sounds anguished, and Courtney immediately knows what he means: his father has his memories back and is evil again. There's no time to dwell on that, though, so Courtney files that information away for a later conversation as they race through the tunnels like their lives depend on it (because they do).

Courtney's adrenaline is so high that she barely processes Beth and Rick joining up with them along the way or the fact that there are bars blocking their path because Rick easily bends them open. The only thing she can think now is, _We have to go,_ and it scrolls endlessly through her head on repeat until all of the sudden the bars start to _close_ again.

 _Settle down, children._ Brainwave's voice echoes in her head, and Courtney slowly turns around to see him meandering down the cramped passage. _You can't hide from me._

Dread rises in her stomach like bile, but she steps forward anyway, blasting Brainwave with the Cosmic Staff--well, _trying_ to, anyway; he just brings up a shield to block her like he had the last time they fought.

Gritting her teeth, Courtney redoubles her efforts, noting in some far off corner of her mind that Rick and Henry are working to reopen the gap.

Suddenly, a wave of telekinetic energy surges through the tunnel, knocking Courtney and her friends to the ground. Ears ringing, Courtney struggles back to her feet and presses into her temples with a wince. Peering down the tunnel, she blinks repeatedly until her vision comes back into focus. To her incredible confusion, she vaguely makes out Henry's dad limping off into the opposite direction and a shadowy figure collapsing to the floor near where Brainwave had been, clutching at their stomach.

_...What the hell??_

"Oh my god, we have to help them!" Courtney exclaims immediately, starting off down the tunnel.

"No, wait!" Yolanda says as she pushes herself through the gap that Rick was effortlessly able to reopen once Brainwave was no longer hindering him, and Courtney reluctantly pauses to hear her out. "We don’t even know who they are!"

"They could be another member of the ISA," Beth points out, squeezing out onto the other side of the bars as well. "Maybe Henry should try to read their thoughts first--"

"Whoever it is just _stabbed_ Brainwave," Courtney interrupts her, her concern overriding any thought of caution. "I'm going to help them." With that, she turns on her heel and hurries toward the injured person, ignoring her teammates' protests as they begrudgingly follow her. 

When she reaches the figure, Courtney drops to her knees and lets go of the Cosmic Staff, leaving it to hover next to her and provide light, so she can roll the person over and see their face. When she realizes who it is, she can’t help but let out an audible gasp.

"Cindy?" Courtney looks down in horror at her classmate, who has seemingly been impaled by one of her _own_ blades. "What are you doing here? I thought you were going after your dad!"

"Yeah, I was," Cindy manages hoarsely, squinting up at her through the glare of the staff. "But then I saw Henry's dad following you guys, and I... I realized that you were more important." Courtney's heart stutters in her chest at Cindy's confession, and she curses herself for thinking about what might or might not be between the two of them when Cindy is _hurt._

"How did this happen?" Henry asks, gesturing at her wound from where he stands.

"I stabbed Brainwave in the leg," Cindy recalls casually, before screwing up her face in frustration when she continues. "Then as soon as I pulled the shiv out, he _literally_ forced my hand and made me stab myself with his powers. Then he ran away like a coward because he _knew_ the injury would sap his energy."

"Wait, don't you heal automatically?" Courtney remembers suddenly, a small, fragile flicker of hope rising from her despair. Cindy snuffs it out with her next words.

"That only goes so far," she says grimly. "I'm, like, 90% sure that I hit one of my internal organs, and my healing factor doesn't extend to that." A bleak hush falls over the group as the gravity of what's happening sinks in, and Courtney vaguely registers that she's shaking.

"I need to tell you something," Cindy suddenly decides, trying to sit up but crying out in pain as it jostles the blade buried inside her. Courtney's hands shoot out to keep her from injuring herself further, carefully lowering Cindy back down and guiding her head to rest in her lap. And if Courtney enjoys stroking Cindy's hair more than is really appropriate for the situation... Well, that's her business, isn't it?

"Beth, Rick," Cindy continues, and Courtney wonders if she's realized that she's instinctively leaning into Courtney's touch. "I-"

"Wait, you knew who we were the whole time?" Yolanda interrupts her, looking simultaneously shocked and confused.

"Yeah, it was really obvious." Cindy attempts to put on her usual smirk, but it turns into more of a grimace. "I mean, the new girl in town befriends the three losers and also just _happens_ to lead a superhero team with three other teenagers who fit the losers' descriptions? What a cliché." She's obviously trying to come across as judgemental and bitchy (which Courtney is starting to believe is her defense mechanism to keep people at a distance), but it falls flat due to how wounded and vulnerable she looks.

Beth sighs. "We really need to get better at hiding our identities, huh?"

Cindy tries to nod but instead starts coughing violently, bringing up a hand to cover her mouth. She tries to discreetly wipe her hand off on her pants when she stops, but Courtney grabs it before she can and feels a little ill when she sees droplets of blood. _Shit, this is happening._

The others sober up at the sight of it as well, again realizing the magnitude of the situation.

"Beth and Rick," Cindy tries again, this time staying uninterrupted. "I'm sorry." Their heads all twist toward her at that, shocked to hear those words coming out of her mouth, but she's not done. "I was always so horrible to you--horrible to everyone, really. You never deserved it, though; the reasons why you were easy targets were the same reasons why I never should have picked on you."

She turns to Henry next. "I'm sorry for spying on you for my dad. I was never a great girlfriend to you, and although we really only dated out of convenience, I took advantage of how easy it was to peer pressure you."

Swallowing hard, Cindy looks at Yolanda, eyes glistening with regret. "Yolanda, I'm sorry to you most of all." Another pause, like she's gearing up for a big reveal. "I…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, i sure do love cliffhangers, huh? ;) same deal as before, the last chapter will be up in a couple of days. although just a warning the next chapter is pretty much just pure angst. i cried a little while writing it but then again it was like 2 am so i could've just been sleep deprived idk. 
> 
> please drop a comment if you're wondering when the starshiv is going to come into this, want to start an anti-brainwave club, or just enjoy this fic!! or here's my [tumblr](https://cindyburman.tumblr.com) if you'd like to rant at me anonymously instead!!
> 
> and as always, here's the link to the [blm carrd](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/)!!! please do whatever you can, even if that just means signing petitions, texting, or calling!!!


	3. 'cause in my head (in my head, i do everything right)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is from "supercut" by lorde.

"I was the one who sent out that picture of you." And a big reveal it is--Courtney's jaw drops and Yolanda can only stare at her in frozen shock.

"Henry was showing it to his friends in the hallway, and I grabbed his phone and sent it to myself," Cindy continues, words pouring out of her like a flood now that the dam has been broken. "I was jealous of what you had--a supportive family, friends, popularity--and I needed a way to get close to Henry so that I could watch him and get in my dad's good graces. And I just want you to know, these aren't excuses, just _reasons._ It's one of the worst things that I've ever done and I've always regretted it, but I know that I can't change anything no matter how much I want to."

There's a long moment of silence, and then Yolanda turns to Henry.

"Is that true?" she asks him, her voice quiet but determined. He nods, avoiding her gaze out of his own guilt for the part he played in Yolanda's downfall as well, and Yolanda sets her jaw resolutely, blinking rapidly to keep from crying. She turns away, bringing a trembling hand up to cover her face, and Courtney wishes more than anything that she could fix this for her, because she never deserved it--nobody ever does.

"So what, you're saying all of this now because you're on your deathbed?" Rick bursts out, looking absolutely livid. "And we're just supposed to forgive you-- _Yolanda's_ just supposed to forgive you--so you can die peacefully and with a clear conscience while Yolanda has to live the rest of her life suffering because of what you and Henry did?"

"Rick!" Courtney chastises him, taken aback by how _angry_ he is.

"No, Court--" Cindy cuts her off, before pausing. "Can I call you Court?"

"Sure, of course," Courtney says without thinking as she looks into her eyes, knowing instinctively that she wouldn't be able to deny Cindy anything right now (then again, was she ever?).

Cindy spares her a small, grateful smile at that before turning her earnest gaze to Rick. "You're right." He jerks, clearly not expecting that, but she barrels on. "I don't deserve forgiveness, and I don't expect it, either. I know that you all hate me, and that's absolutely justified. I don't blame any of you, because I know that words mean nothing if I can't back them up with action, and it's a little late for action now." A rueful smile passes over her lips before she goes on, "I'm telling you all of this now because I've spent my whole life letting fear control me, and I don't want to anymore. I don't want to be like my dad or, worse, like the person he thinks I am--some cold-blooded loveless killer." She stops abruptly here, taking a shaky breath, and Courtney notices with some surprise that Cindy is _crying._ "I... I want to be more like my mom." Cindy blinks up at her, distraught and vulnerable, and _god,_ if Courtney doesn't just want to wrap her up in a blanket and protect her from everyone who's ever made her feel like she was unworthy of love. But she _can't,_ because instead Cindy is bleeding out in front of her, and all too soon she'll be another casualty that Courtney is responsible for, because she could have prevented it if only she were more powerful, or less reckless, or simply _better._

Courtney can't let herself think about this now, though, because then she'll break down when she _should_ be staying strong for Cindy's sake. So she swallows her emotions like a pill, and they burn a little on the way down, but she thinks that she deserves it.

"Your mom," Courtney repeats, carding her fingers through Cindy's hair and selfishly relishing the way her eyelashes flutter. "What was she like?"

"She was human," Cindy begins, a far off look in her eyes. "My dad never experimented on her. My mom wasn't even involved in the Injustice Society at all, actually--she was more like my dad's moral compass, keeping him from returning fully to villainy. My mom was kind, and she never yelled at me... My dad used to smile while she was alive, but he stopped after she died. He stopped paying attention to me then, too, because he blames me for her death. And I think, deep down... I blame myself as well." Courtney is caught between sympathy and outrage by the time she finishes, but her righteous anger wins out.

"You were a kid with dangerous powers you didn't know how to use," she insists, appalled by how horrible Cindy's father is. "You didn’t deserve the only parent you had left ignoring and manipulating you!"

Cindy's eyes soften. "You're sweet." Then she groans, clutching at her stomach again as blood seeps through her fingers and Courtney looks on helplessly. When Cindy's gaze returns to her, there's a new urgency in her eyes, as if she's all too aware that her time is running out.

"Courtney, I need to tell you something too," she says before rushing on. "I'm sorry that I tried to kill you... twice. I'm sorry that I threatened you and your friends. But also... I'm sorry that I never told you how I felt--how I still feel."

Courtney's breath catches in her throat despite herself, and she can't help but think, _Does she mean?..._

"I was angry about you going to the dance with Cameron because I was jealous of him," Cindy confesses, and Courtney's heart stops. "You're such a good person, and you stuck around even though I was nothing but terrible to you. You saw me at my worst and _still_ chose to be around me, to believe that I could be better, and you believed in me so much it made me believe in myself too." Her eyes turn regretful but still genuine. "If things had turned out differently, I would've liked to go out on a date with you."

Courtney's mind is going a thousand miles a minute, ricocheting between elation and grief and wondering how this can simultaneously be the best and worst day of her life, so she decides not to rely on her brain for this one and instead just _react._

She lunges down toward Cindy and their lips connect messily, teeth clashing briefly against each other before they find their rhythm. Courtney tastes salt on her lips, no longer sure whether it’s from Cindy's tears or her own. 

Cindy pulls back suddenly as she begins to have another coughing fit, and Courtney feels her remaining resolve to stay strong break down as her fingers intertwine with Cindy's.

"I would've liked that, too," she finally murmurs in response, her voice breaking in the middle as a new wave of tears come. Cindy's breathing grows shallower and her grip on Courtney's hand suddenly tightens.

"I don't want to die," she whispers, the fear in her eyes palpable. "I'm scared." Courtney's heart shatters in a million pieces as she looks at her, likely to never be fully repaired again, and the knot of emotion in the back of her throat grows larger.

"I'll be with you the whole time," she reassures her, clenching the nails of her free hand into her palm to give herself a different kind of hurt to focus on. "You're not going to be alone."

Cindy nods and gives her a sad, wistful smile, holding onto her hand like it's her lifeline. "It's you, Court. It was you the whole time." Having expended the last of her energy, she leans back, her eyes going blank and unseeing. It's only when her grip on Courtney's hand loosens and goes limp that Courtney lets herself go, sobbing so hard that her whole body shakes with the force. She clutches the front of Cindy's shirt as she cries into it, even more devastated by this loss than she had been with Joey's death. Courtney's chest _aches,_ like someone has torn a piece of it out and carried it away with them--and in a way, Cindy _had._

She is only shaken out of her haze of misery when a comforting, hesitant hand rests on her shoulder. Courtney nearly jumps out of her skin before she remembers that she isn't alone, however much it had felt like she and Cindy were the only two people in the world.

Standing behind her is Beth, eyes visibly ringed with red even under the mask.

"I'm so sorry Courtney, but we have to go," Beth tells her, sounding choked up. Glancing around, Courtney sees that none of her friends have been spared from grief. Yolanda is sobbing into Rick's chest, and though he embraces her, his eyes are fixed on some faraway point and just as haunted as they were the night that Beth's goggles had replayed his parents' death. Henry stands off to the side in the shadows, purposefully hiding himself from view, but Courtney can still hear his sniffles and broken gasps for air.

"Courtney?" Beth prompts her again, sounding worried at her continued silence, and Courtney remembers herself. She mumbles something affirmative, numbly watching Beth repeat her spiel with her other friends, reminding them that _the ISA could be coming_ and _we aren't safe here._ She sees them temporarily pull themselves back together, having to stay strong--even though their cheeks are wet and their hope is shattered, even though they're just _kids_ themselves--because the world is depending on them, and they haven't come this far just to let it down.

But when Courtney looks down at Cindy again, the detachedness with which she'd been viewing her teammates disappears and her resolve crumbles. Trembling slightly, she carefully eases her eyelids closed, hoping that in whatever comes after death, Cindy will have found peace. Courtney presses a kiss to her forehead, no longer trying to keep from crying again, and oh-so-tenderly wipes the tears off of Cindy's face.

Courtney lifts Cindy's body in a bridal carry, struggling slightly under the weight but welcoming the pain--at least this type she can control.

"Do you want me to take her, Courtney?" Rick offers, his voice hoarse, but she's shaking her head before he even finishes.

"No, she's my burden to carry." _In more ways than one._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me rereading my own fic: uh, ouch?? damn that's my quota of angst for today.  
> anyways this hurts me to even think abt so ofc i had to write it. i literally can't stop thinking about how much trauma starsquad has already endured and yet they keep going on, even though courtney and beth have both witnessed the death of two of their classmates and rick and yolanda have both witnessed one of those deaths in canon, and i wanted to explore a little bit of the complex feelings they might have abt that and their different ways of grieving so idk if i will but maybe i'll come back to this later and write an epilogue where they're at cindy's funeral :(
> 
> again, feel free to yell at me either here or at my [tumblr](https://cindyburman.tumblr.com) for my attempt at making this already painful episode a little bit worse!! tbh what is writing if not trying to make your readers feel something?
> 
> and as always, here's the link to the [blm carrd](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/)!!! please do what you can to support, even if it's just signing petitions, because this fight is not over!!!


End file.
